Extremely motivating talk from M.Goldsmith, that I watched recently talks about lack of forward movement.
Some of
our inner beliefs can trigger failure before it happens. They sabotage change
by cancelling its possibility! Discover how to recognize these sabotaging
beliefs and learn what you can do about them.
I’m sure
you’ve met him, or her. That person who says he’ll finish the project tomorrow,
but tomorrow never comes. Or the person who promises to call as soon as she
gets home, but you never hear from her. People who do not keep their commitments to return
calls or close loop as committed.
We know
lots of people like this. If we’re a hard case, we cut them out of our lives.
If we’re a “softie”, we make excuses, and try to let it go. Either way, these
people, who make promises to change one day and excuses not to the next, exist.
And, we
may have even done this ourselves! I know I have. For those of us who admit to
it, we know our genius becomes more acute when it’s our turn to change how we
behave. That’s when we fall back on a set of beliefs that trigger denial,
resistance, and ultimately self-delusion. These beliefs are more wicked than excuses.
An excuse is the handy explanation we offer when we disappoint other people. It
is acute and convenient, often made up on the spot. Basically an excuse is so abused it’s a wonder anyone believes them.
What do we
call the excuses we privately harbor when we disappoint ourselves? Mere
“excuse” is somehow inadequate to describe these inner beliefs that represent
how we interpret our world. An excuse explains why we fell short of
expectations after the fact. Our inner beliefs trigger failure before it
happens. They sabotage change by cancelling its possibility. We employ these
beliefs as articles of faith to justify our inaction and then wish away the
result. I call them belief triggers and we think them all day long. Here’s a
not-extensive list, but it should get you started on where I’m going with this.
1. I am
the same ‘me’
The person who promised to change yesterday is not the same person who has to
execute that change today. We make promises to ourselves and others today that
we cannot keep tomorrow. This is a most illusory belief – because it triggers
over-confidence in our ability to execute our plan.
2. If I
change I am ‘inauthentic’
We refuse to adapt our behavior to new situations because “it isn’t me.” This
belief triggers stubbornness.
3. I won’t
get tired
When we intend to work long hours, we’re not exhausted. But after we work
several hours we become tired and are eager to throw in the towel. It’s the
same with changing our ways – we grow tired with the effort it takes to change.
This triggers depletion.
4. I
understand the requirements
People who read my writing often tell me, “It’s common sense. I didn’t read
anything here that I don’t already know.” True, but there’s a difference
between understanding and doing. Just because people understand what to do
doesn’t ensure that they will actually do it. This belief triggers confusion.
5. It has
to be perfect
Even when we appreciate that nothing is permanent, we still believe in the idea
of perfection – that there is a perfect weight, a perfect job, a perfect state
of mind if only we strive harder to achieve it. This triggers hopelessness --
so we give up.
6. It’s
not fair
We have an unshakeable belief in the essential fairness of life – that if we do
what is asked of us, we will be rewarded for it. When that faith is shaken and
we see that life is not fair, we feel cheated. Our dashed expectations trigger
resentment. We convince ourselves that the game is rigged against us and refuse
to play again. In other words, we stop trying.
7. I can
do it on my own
We believe that we are solely responsible for our own happiness and success,
that positive change starts and ends within us and is neither shaped nor
determined by the people around us. We abuse self-sufficiency, ignoring the
value of a supportive environment, taking foolish pride in doing it all
ourselves. We trigger our isolation.
8. Nothing
will interrupt my focus
We don’t plan for the low-probability events because, by definition, any one of
them is unlikely to occur. But in the aggregate, low probability events affect
us all the time. Who plans on a flat tire, or accident, or stalled traffic
because of an overturned semi on their way to work? This belief triggers
unrealistic expectations.
9. ‘At
least I’m better than…’
In a down moment after failure or loss, we tell ourselves, “At least I’m better
than _______.” We award ourselves a free pass because we’re not the worst in
the world. This is our excuse to take it easy, lowering the bar on our motivation
and discipline. We’ve triggered a false sense of immunity.
10. I am
exempt on this ‘special day’
Today is the Super Bowl, or my birthday, or our anniversary, or my day off. We
excuse our momentary lapse as an outlier event, a blip in the long arc of
committed change we are making. This belief triggers a self-indulgent
inconsistency – which is fatal for change.
Overconfidence.
Stubbornness. Depletion. Confusion. Hopelessness. Resentment. Isolation.
Unrealistic expectations. Immunity. Inconsistency. That’s a lot of heavy
baggage to carry on our journey of change.
These are
just some of the rationalizations that keep us from becoming the person we want
to be. Now that you’ve read them, I bet they’re nothing you’ve not heard
before! Keep watch in your daily life for them, keep track of how often you use
one of these trigger beliefs, see if you can come up with others. This is a
great exercise, because as you know awareness is the first step towards change! Reasons why it is strongly recommended
that people win over the self sabotaging beliefs before dysfunctional behaviors.